The year that will become something.

I'd like to say I can't remember how I got this way. In theory, I can't. Sometimes it's like, I look in the mirror and wonder when this happened, how did I come to weigh almost three hundred pounds when in high school I had tried to hard to lose those twenty pounds? How did I let myself keep on eating? When did I give up on myself? Or maybe, I never really had much to give up on, because something was missing.

It's 2009, and I'm going to subscribe to the whole "new years resolutions" that I try to ignore every year. I don't know why I try to ignore them, but it probably has something to do with the fact that I always tend to lose touch on goals quickly. So in time I've realized I've stopped making them in general; it's only led me to the days I've spent sleeping until one am, clicking around on the internet, crying and reading blogs as if any of that would somehow get me somewhere.

I forgot to mention the one main factor. Compulsive eating, a topic that hardly comes up with any people I know, goes along with the disorder in the first place and somehow has found it's way into my life. I have a friend with an on-again off-again case of bulimia and she's the only person who kind of sort of knows. She's the only person I've talked to in real life about eating issues, it's so sensitive to me that I can't put into words any of it. At least, I don't try.

So, this blog is a way of figuring things out, setting myself straight. It's a way to get out words and thoughts I have that I want to share but can't seem to find myself to push it out there. It's 2009, and I refuse to let this new year be what 2008 became. So instead, I am going to welcome it. I am going to embrace myself and figure everything out. Not only with the use of written words, but by example. And I'll be reporting back here.

Here's to 2009; the year that will become something.

Highflyer is about learning how to live & be the best person you can be. It's about me, Ivory, reclaiming who I am, or at least figuring it out. This is my journey, my memoir-in-progress. Highflyer is about taking leaps and walking on tightropes, bouncing back and recovering your wings.

The title Highflyer is taken from a Hanson song, Broken Angel, about how everybody falls & now it's time to get up, and earn your wings tonight.

a highflyer's what i want to be
seems they won't let me
says i'm too small
don't feel small, at all.

...

little angel gotta learn to fly
get up
earn your wings tonight

broken angel - hanson